Diary of an unborn baby

Testing. Is anything there? 

Hello!  

Oh!  It works! 

Jesus gave me this notebook and taught me how to put my thoughts in it. It’s very easy; I just press my feelings into the pages and when I look back on them, they’re still here. He said it’s good for me to keep them because they are part of the Big Story. 

I asked him about that. He said I don’t have to understand it yet, but he’s putting together a really beautiful story and later, when it’s ready, we’re all going to see how all the pieces fit together. He said the things in my notebook are my part of the story, but the whole thing is about Him and how good He is. I like that. I do want to record how good He is. He’s so kind. I thought everyone knew that, but He said we each only know parts of it. He wants us to show each other our pieces of the story so we can all see more of how kind He is. 

So I will start recording what I remember. Right now I feel so lovely and warm. But the only reason I know what it means to be warm is because I was cold once. I didn’t feel it for very long. People who came from Earth tell me they were cold too, right before they came here, and it was only for a minute. I don’t know what a minute is. But they say it doesn’t matter; the main thing is that I’m warm. 

Yes, I remember the cold. Before the cold there was warmth, and darkness. I remember the darkness too. Darkness and a very soft, quiet feeling of being loved. 

Then cold, and all the feelings went away, and then right away there was such a big feeling of being loved. It grew and grew, faster and faster until suddenly I was in the light. It was the brightest Light, because He was looking right at me. 

I would never know what warm means if I hadn’t been away from this place and felt the cold, to know what was missing. But I think I would understand what light is, because I can tell when the light gets brighter and when it’s softer. There’s a place we can go here, on the outskirts, and we can walk in it. They say it’s like a forest. 

There are beautiful things He made, lots and lots of green plants and flowers of all colors and little hopping animals of different sizes. When I walk there, if I go very far in, I can tell there’s less light. But of course it’s never very dark, because His light comes beaming through among the trees and it’s always there, even if I can’t directly see His eyes. After I’ve walked for a while I like to go running back toward the Center, toward the throne and all the music and all the overlapping love where He is. And it feels so good to come closer to Him. 

They say the world is a dark place. I couldn’t see anything at all when I was there. But they say if I had stayed there longer I would have seen some things. I don’t understand how anyone sees anything at all if they’re that far from His eyes. They say He’s there too, but not in the same light way. I don’t understand that. They also say that’s part of His Big Story, how people can’t see Him but He finds them in the darkness and He brings them here to the light. 

–1–

A man introduced himself to me. He says he’s my Great Grampie. I asked him what that means. He said it means our bodies in the world had mostly the same blood, and he will explain more to me later. But he’s going to teach me the numbers so I can put numbers with my recordings in this notebook. He said they’re just symbols but everyone knows the order, so it’s a good way to put things in order and then find them again. Each time I press my feelings here, I will find him and he will teach me the next number. He says when he was in the world, he used to use numbers a lot, and it was part of his piece of the Big Story. He knows a lot about how God likes to put things in order and how he shows us his love by doing things the same way over and over again. He’ll tell me more about that. I don’t know much about that part of God yet but I’m excited for him to teach me. There’s so much to learn. 

–2–

Great Grampie said my nose reminds him of my Oompa’s nose. He said Oompa is someone else I will meet someday. He also has a lot of the same blood that I had. I don’t know much about blood, except they say that’s what made the marks that Jesus has on his hands. I keep asking people about it and they say blood is what keeps them warm in the world, when they’re so far away from the Light. God put the blood in them to keep them warm, and if they take it out, they will get cold and they won’t be able to stay in the world anymore. 

Jesus went there once and He took out all his blood, so He had to leave. But He did that so He could give it to all the people who wanted to be warm. Great Grampie told me that people have to have His blood in them so they can come to the Light. I still don’t quite understand, but I know that I have some of Jesus’s blood in me too, because He let me come here. Great Grampie said I was allowed to come because God decided way back at the beginning that I would be one of His children, and He wrote me in His big book. I still haven’t seen the book. There’s too much to explore. 

–3– 

I met another man. He’s very kind and he knows so much about Jesus. He said his name is Uncle Abel. He’s my mom’s brother. I don’t know what a mom is, or a brother, but people here who are moms and brothers to each other seem to know each other really well. They laugh a lot. I laugh a lot too, because Jesus is always laughing and it tickles me when He laughs and then I laugh too. I love his eyes. I like to go up close to him and watch His eyes. The last time I did that, He looked right at me (I felt SO warm) and took me up on His lap and said I have a brother coming soon! I get to be on the welcoming committee for that when it happens. I’m so excited. I haven’t gotten to be on a welcoming committee yet but it looks like so much fun. People always come back hugging and smiling and talking so fast with the newcomer. 

–4–

Uncle Abel told me a little bit of his piece of the story today. He has already learned so many things. He remembers his mother a little bit. She was beautiful. He said he’s looking forward to being on the welcoming committee for her someday. He likes to listen to people and he knows hundreds of people’s stories really well. He likes to put the pieces together and then go think about how wonderful it all is while he looks at Jesus’s eyes. Uncle Abel’s face reflects so much light. 

–5–

It happened!! My brother came! I got to wait by the gate for him with Jesus and Uncle Abel and some other friends. We waited and the love got stronger and stronger and then he showed up, squinting at Jesus’s face and smiling so big. Jesus reached down and scooped him up and warmed him all up. Then I got to hug him too. Uncle Abel laughed and said the two of us look just alike. He doesn’t really know anything yet but he has the best smile. He loves to just stare at Jesus and smile. He sits in the Light a lot.

I asked him if he remembers our mom. He said he couldn’t see anything before he came here either, but he felt that same faint sense of love I felt. Maybe that was her. He said someone told him mom lost a lot of blood when he came here. I bet she was trying to keep him warm. She must be so happy we’re both here in the Light. It’s all so wonderful. 

Jesus told me today that our stories are mixed together with her story too. God’s big story is so big and so amazing. Our mom must be really excited if she knows that my story and my brother’s story will fit together with the pieces she has. We’re going to get to know so much of God together! Maybe when she comes here, Uncle Abel can help us figure it all out. He’ll understand what God was showing us about His love through all of our story pieces. 

–6–

Just now I met a boy who is always playing near the Center. I’ve seen him a lot. He’s really fun. He’s bigger than me, but he hasn’t been here as long as most of the older ones. He asked me what my name is. That was the first time I realized I don’t know my name! I don’t know my brother’s name either. I went and found my brother playing behind the big throne and I took him by the hand. We walked into the Light and Jesus smiled at us. We climbed up in his lap and I asked Him, “What are our names?” 

He laughed, so we laughed too. We couldn’t help it. I guess it was a funny question. Then He looked at us and said, “I like to let people name each other. Your mom and dad didn’t get to meet you yet, so they didn’t give you people names yet. When they come they can give you names. But that doesn’t really matter. I know you, and you are both Mine. You’re already in my book.” 

I felt so warm when he said that. I could tell my brother did too. His face reflected so much Light. Jesus went on. “Keep recording your stories. Your mom and dad are recording their stories too. When they come, you’ll all share with each other and you can be even more amazed about my love. You’ll see.” 

–7–

Jesus gave my brother a notebook so he can press his feelings into it before he forgets anything. I’m going to start teaching him the numbers. 

—

Note: We miscarried two babies this year. We don’t know either of their genders, so I’ve written about them as boys for simplicity. This is purely fiction, but it’s how I imagine my story from their untarnished perspective. It has been helpful for me to picture how our temporary earthly suffering might appear from the side of eternal glory.