Freeing Mary from Martha’s Overcare

“Let’s shut down the blog,” Martha demanded. “We’re hardly using it anymore and it’s not worth the cost.” 

“No, no!” cried Mary. “This is life-giving! It’s worth it! We’ll add it to the repertoire of rest activities we do when Daddy takes the toddler out once a week!” 

So here we are on Saturday afternoon. Daddy and Daughter are spending some special time together, Mommy has an hour to herself, and Mary is writing this blog! 

That’s probably confusing. Let me explain over the next few paragraphs. I’m halfway through another pregnancy now (woohoo!) and in the beginning of that, I had a discovery that my body still reacts to any kind of cramping as if it were a miscarriage. Understandable, after all it went through, but annoying to deal with when my brain knows everything is fine! 

This is pretty much the definition of trauma– when you went through something in the past, but you continue to deal with it as if it were a present or future threat, not just part of the trajectory of your life that got you to where you are. 

I sought out some counseling. (And let’s be real, it ended up being a one-off because life happened, the toddler got sick, Daddy got sick, blah blah. But it was what I needed to start a more reflective journey of healing.) Along the way I read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, and again let’s be real–  when I say “I read it,” I mean I skimmed a lot of it and then skipped right to the “how to fix it” section. I need life to be pretty efficient right now. Thus I’m not an expert on trauma, but I have all the answers. 😉

So the Martha and Mary thing? As I digested The Body Keeps The Score, one of the things that stuck out to me was “internal family systems” which is a style of therapy I had never heard of before. Apparently many people who have trauma start to lean more heavily on some aspects of their personalities than others. (Some even go so far as to develop multiple personalities that are distinct presentations to the world, but I’m just relating to the milder form where you allow one strong part of your personality to take the helm more than some other part because the strong part is actually trying to protect the more fragile aspect somehow.) 

I can see this in myself. I am borrowing from the Bible illustration of Martha who wants to be productive and seems rational vs Mary who sits at Jesus’ feet and seems to be more emotional. I think I have a Mary side that I used to access more often–  there’s creativity, play, the ability to make music and paint and actually REST and just be God’s beloved somewhere in me.

But over the past few years, I’ve begun to lean more and more heavily on my Martha side, which is very responsible, ready for action, always wanting to be in control and productive. The Martha side is trying to shield the Mary side from pain, so she sort of drives me toward constant action and achievement. (No, don’t go play music… that’s a waste of time. Just see what else you can cross off the to-do list during this chunk of free time. That’s a more reliable way to end up feeling good.) And that’s just not who I want to be all the time as a follower of Jesus, or as a mom! 

Even when I do have uninterrupted time, I’ve had trouble worshiping in the last few years, and had trouble “Sabbathing,” because those things just seem so finicky and tricky to do in a way that’s “worth it.” Which, if you’ll recall, goes against the whole point of the Lavender book. Sometimes I don’t have the right to decide what’s “worth it” to God, and if he wants me to sit still with him for a few minutes instead of accomplishing something for my own satisfaction, then I need to surrender to that. 

But I realized in this recent journey of contemplation that it doesn’t have to feel so painful to stop and rest! If I can sort of thank my Martha side for being a faithful defender of my feelings and then dismiss her for a while, it’s easier to be like Mary and feel the freedom to do all the things that bring me life and joy (and also run the risk of bringing up emotions, which Martha finds scary)! 

Jesus doesn’t mind emotions, and my body would sure appreciate it if I would slow down and let more of them out instead of charging forward in “gathering medical knowledge mode” or “just get things done mode” when things aren’t going the way I’d like. It’s time to start acknowledging the fears and sorrows my body still carries, even if it’s just for a moment when those things pop up. 

I’m hopeful that being a little bit more aware of my Martha/Mary tendencies will set my mind free to connect with Jesus in “less productive” ways and allow him to keep writing his story of beauty and joy in my life.