What we do behind closed doors

The best part of our marriage you’ll never see

I’m not going to talk about what you’re thinking. Because people have seen that. Right after our wedding, on our very first time, someone accidentally walked in on us. The door opened… and it was MY DAD. I am not kidding. It was an Awkward Moment to top the books. But that’s a long story for another time. 

What I do want to talk about is the next best part of our marriage:  the glue that keeps us strong. It’s something vulnerable we do when it’s just the two of us around. We’ve been married for less than two years, so we’re definitely not qualified to give anyone else marriage counseling or anything, but we’ve been doing this ritual every week and we can feel it bringing us together. This is our primary tool for cultivating our relationship.  It’s a little thing we like to call “family meeting.”

Family Meeting is really simple. Every Sunday night, Erik and I sit down with our calendars and a little stack of index cards. Each card has a question written on it. First we sync our calendars for the coming week and make sure we both know about each other’s plans. Then we go through the questions one at a time. That’s it! 

There’s nothing magical about the questions. These are just things we feel like we need to keep communicating about. Some of them will probably fade away over time. Others will be added in as we need them (like “how are we doing with disciplining the kids?”). The main idea is to be consistent about asking the same things every week so we learn to think about them. We both know this meeting is coming, so we have as much time to pre-process it as we need. There are no surprises here. 

Here are the questions we ask each other. 

How did I love/respect you well this week? 

On this one, we usually review what we did in the past week and then list a bunch of things our spouse did that we liked. But it saves time and is equally effective to just name one time you felt especially loved. Sometimes we’re surprised by each other’s answers. 

When did you feel unloved/disrespected this week? 

We try to answer this one gently and take ownership of our own feelings. It’s really helpful for us to know when the other person felt unloved, especially if that wasn’t our expectation! Most weeks we don’t have anything to say to this question because we’ve already talked about it earlier in the week when it happened– and that’s a fruit of having this question on the docket every week. We know it’s coming anyway, so we go ahead and get it out of the way when it’s fresh. As a fallback, having this question in our lineup gives us both a safe space to express how we really felt if it was too sensitive to bring up in real time. 

How can I love you well in the coming week? 

We try to keep this one as specific as possible, like “massage my tight shoulder” or “give me some introvert time on Saturday.” Then we both write it down somewhere before we forget (because one week my answer to question #2 was “you didn’t do the thing I listed for question #3”)! 

Are there any changes to our rhythms/processes we need to discuss? 

This could be anything from what time the morning alarm goes off to diet changes we want to try. Sometimes this is where we end up adding in a new question to the family meeting roster. 

What’s a new pet peeve you’ve discovered this week? 

This question is always the funniest. At first all the pet peeves were Erik’s, since I moved into his house. (He couldn’t stand when I left the shower curtain open or when I stacked dirty dishes, because then they get gunk on the back. Huh.) Then I started to have opinions and the tables turned (I hate when his phone charging cord is laying across the floor, because I’m the clumsy one who trips, and I don’t like when he leaves fans on in the other room…) Whatever it is, we both get a good laugh, and it’s always a relief to have this safe place to vent how we really feel. 

What do we want to discuss about sex this week? 

We added this one recently because it’s not always a great time to state our observations in the moment or even immediately afterwards. We’ve had some good ideas based on this discussion topic. 

Is there anything we need to talk about that hasn’t come up?

The principle behind this last question is that family meeting is our safe place to bring up those uncomfortable subjects no one wants to broach. If Erik offends me during the week but I’m not quite sure why I’m hurt, I’m not going to be ready to debrief that right in the moment when it happens. Ideally we reconcile all our conflicts in the same day they happen (that good old “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” principle from Ephesians 4:26). But that’s not always so easy to do. Sometimes I need to take some time out with my journal and figure out what’s the root issue of the conflict we’re having.  Then it’s always hard to figure out when and how to bring it up. (Do you bring it up during in a good moment and potentially ruin the mood? Or in a bad moment and risk making everything worse?)

So we’ve both promised to take the time we need to put our feelings into words, but then bring it up as soon as possible, and not later than the next family meeting. At that point, whatever is eating either one of us must get put on the table so we can start figuring it out.That agreement gives both of us a sense of safety in our relationship. I know that Erik will never hold onto resentment, and he knows that I will never intentionally avoid a conflict. 

Other topics

We recently took on a role at church, so we added a card reminding us to talk about who needs to do what for that each week. 

We’re also experimenting with a Google doc about our family prayer requests (just a few bullet points each week detailing what we’re asking God to do, so we can keep track of how He answers). So we have a card reminding us to write down our prayer points for the week. 

What about you?

What other questions are useful in your marriage? I’d love to know if anyone else has tried a practice like this, and what areas you regularly check with each other!

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